Managing Ourselves Managing Each Other – Rachel Nabors, TechLeadConf 2024

Think of time as lifespan - it’s your most precious finite resource that you exchange for money/work

All relationships (personal and professional) go through cycles of rupture and repair - focus on healthy repair rather than avoiding ruptures entirely

Power dynamics exist in all interactions - understand if you’re the “big dog” (more power/authority) or “little dog” (more vulnerable) in each situation

Key components of a good apology:

• State what happened objectively
• Acknowledge the impact
• Take responsibility for your 50%
• No conditionals or justifications

Set clear boundaries around:

• Temporal boundaries (time/schedule)
• Emotional boundaries (capacity for emotional labor)
• Information sharing (what you disclose)

When dysregulated (overwhelmed emotionally):

• Isolate physically and electronically
• Don’t make decisions or escalate
• Use activity to process stress hormones
• Wait until regulated to address issues

Depersonalize situations by:

• Labeling behaviors not people
• Focusing on facts not assumptions
• Recognizing others’ actions aren’t about you
• Owning only your 50% of interactions

Practice emotional regulation through:

• Mindfulness and self-awareness
• Identifying triggers
• Having emergency procedures
• Getting support from trusted colleagues

Create sustainable time management by:

• Setting immovable boundaries
• Consolidating similar activities
• Building in buffers
• Treating time commitments as spending “lifespan”